Eternal sunshine of a withered mind

Ragged

2007-03-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

Apologies to the few readers who still faithfully sojourn here, only to be disappointed by the activity (or lack thereof) of this blog. Better late than never, so they say.
I'll admit, I'm becoming predictable.
CAs were unspectacular. Biochem was laughable (S is on the glutathione, stupid, you suck), physio was a brain-drain, and spots was more guesswork than anything (e.g. inferior + superior rectal nerve for good measure). I can already envision the dreaded "Scholarship Revoked" appearing in my mail come end of Year 1. No excuses for mediocrity.
Relations with parents just hit a new trough this morning. Suffice it to say, Internet crashed, I was pissed, mum used it as a launching pad for her 592485680245 salvos on why I'm so screwed up. So what's new?
And worst of all, I didn't realise I was falling back. It was getting too comfortable. Familiar territory. Easy come easy go. I'm a sucker for irony.
I remain baffled by that curious incident in the library, though it meant nothing.
I fast-forward events to post-pros, and I see driving, MUNUS (basketball/badminton/futsal), teaching guitar, getting piano lessons (any takers?), PE, FOC prep, sea sports (cable-ski/windsurf/surf/kayak) and needless to say, lots of catching up.
All this, provided I don't get Extinction vivas in my face.
So help me God.

You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

Post-exam stupor

2006-12-13T00:39:00.000-08:00

Finally, shady's back again. This time, from the scourge of the CAs. It wasn't half bad though, except for Anat which was a joke since it's supposed to be my favourite subject. Aptitude versus interest I guess. Kinda like my love-hate relationship with lit back in the syonanto years of _osie _mith. But I have God to thank for Physio and Biochem, which wildly exceeded my expectations. Without good buddies in the medlib (esp slum for his perpetual encouragement and worship sessions =P) I wouldn't have been able to run this race quite as well. Kudos to you bro =) We're all morphing into daryls next sem!
The activity on the tagboard has been quite phenomenal, esp considering the activity of this blog (read:none). It's great to hear from you guys, png wx bert qish =) How're all of you guys doing? Life here's a bitch. But there's some fun in learning terminology that only pple within our circle would understand (extensor carpi radialis longus anyone?). Sleeping during lectures (a skill picked up in JC), PBL with steve cheung, prosections in the anat hall, farcical FAs and lengthy discourses on the clotting cascade effect. That's kinda like a typical day at YLLSOM. Some of the lustre and starry-eyed me has been lost, but yeah. Medical school is becoming quite a comfy, convenient garment. An identity.
Post-CAs have been spent with unprecedented frivolity and slackness. I don't think I've dotaed this much, hitting close to 5 hours each day. It feels kinda surreal, living life without the cumbersome load of snell or guyton pulling me down, albeit temporarily. Someone I met online sounded the death knell yesterday, informing me that a few amongst us have already commenced studying. Not like I'm gonna start panicking like some headless chicken. It's December for goodness' sake.
Chaos erupted right after anat paper. First was slum's birthday and we kindly set a fairly easy treasure hunt for him to find derrick. The only clue he didn't find was the one in co-op, which was in the freezer =P And then it was off to munchy's to celebrate Prof Daryl's birthday. Can't believe I actually missed the Italian Chocolate cake ARGH. And after that was... home. How totally anticlimatic.
Saturday started off early at RI astroturf. First time appearing there for soccer, and I was clearly rusty from the lack of practice and fitness. Distribution was horrendous, which resulted in me spraying many passes to the opposing strikers. Thankfully though lightning reflexes and heroics from the unsung hero prevented any embarrassment. The scoreline was never in doubt, since our team boasted the likes of xunqi, fan, boxian, chim and slum. Failed to keep out an own goal from one of my defenders and a rocket from ruihong, but otherwise frustrated their forwards for most part. 3-2 to us =) Man of the match was undoubtedly mj, who later completed a spectacular hat-trick which included a volley that had Thierry Henry written all over it. Simply stunning.
Lunched with slum and chim, who's back where he belongs =) Really miss the big guy. And then it was off to comms parade! Really proud of all of you man. 38 weeks of blood, sweat and tears. And now, they're true blue officers. The creme de la creme. Respect. Saluting the Sirs =)

Me au and ahfoot =) Look at the shiny bars!

Council + josh at dex's proud moment =)

Cally yingwei and me!

Kayhwee and me

Me and shiyang pri sch classmates!

Phantom

2006-11-03T06:48:00.000-08:00

It's like a rehash of the events in J1. Only this time, I hope CAs won't be as disastrous as promos were cos I failed to eject from the burning nose-diving wreck fast enough.
Days of monotony. I'm quite disgusted at myself, sleeping through lectures, struggling futilely to stay awake while mugging. Why am I this lethargic?
The wall of silence has never looked so insurmountable. Whether imagined (self-consciousness be damned) or indeed present, it got so bad I had to shut it out on Wednesday, to just go out and punch some walls till the pain in my knuckles drowned everything out.
Running is cathartic. So is exercise, in general. And talking. But like J1, apart from hurt, there's the added dimension of bitterness. And an anger that can't be quelled with words or balms.
I've become a phantom. Kinda like the invisible man really. The unwelcome visitor that comes knocking at your door whilst you're in the midst of something important. The nosey parker tagging along. The extra. The spare. You get the idea.
Rewind 1 month back and really, that's how I would've liked things to be.
Things that used to be second nature now seem so coerced. Like rehearsed scripts.
So now it's a bad case of been there, done that. Scratching my head and asking, "Where did I go wrong this time?" Left alone to pick up the pieces. I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve, only to have it shredded to pieces. But that's me.
And to those of you who just love laughing at me at my expense, it just isn't funny sometimes. Well yeah fine, I'll probably laugh with you the first time you make a comment regarding my countenance. But when it's repeated ad nauseum, you exceed the threshold (which is really high since I laugh at myself alot), and you won't like me when I blow up. It'll be ugly, just like me. I don't have to deal with your questions abt whether I'm attached (or your view that I'll never be), or your opinion that I'll be the most likely to have an affair (like seriously wtf?), or how lousy you think I am. Give me a fucking break.
I look forward to Wednesdays now. When I'll give myself a good workout after the scourge that is anat (well I do like anat, but not after 2 hours of intense tutorial). 20 minutes of 6.0 was a personal best, considering I hadn't run for aeons. And mainly cos of the therapy that comes after that, talking, releasing, detaching. Steamboat with jeannie and lixin in the cold was great, and so was the long taxi ride back. Haven't talked so much in a long time. Lots of it pent up. Thanks yeah.
Feel slightly accomplished. During anat prac I could name and explain structures to most pple, minus the ones I hadn't mugged for. And CVS discussion was a real breakthrough for me. For once I could appreciate why this led to that in heart failure. Physio is looking more intriguing I guess.
Met cally today for a long overdue pouring out session, and she's attached now =) Really happy for her. I think what she said is really true. That if it's mutual, things can be so easy.
I'll commit this to God and continue to pray. Whatever will be will be. I still care, really I do. Just that I've taken the role of a bystander this time, since I don't have a place to go.
If anyone asks if I'm okay, it's probably a facade you're seeing when I say yes. Hiding the bleeding that was never meant for public eyes to see.

Alone

2006-10-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

This from my buddy's blog:
There is something to be grasped in loneliness, like there is something to be grasped in despair, in helplessness, in sadness. Something strangely sweet, somehow.
And she's got a point there. Matt summed it up perfectly haha. Solitude makes for a bad companion. But it's found a bosom friend in me.
There're days in Medicine when the world spins too fast for you, and while you're struggling to find your feet everyone's gone. It's ironic, considering how I know the many faces that occupy the LT each day, but yet still feel a gaping sense of loneliness.
It was acute tonight. I was a total flop at volleyball, and played a huge part in our team's 2-1 loss (the consolation was the rubber, which was of no real consequence since we conceded the first 2 games). Totally clueless abt positions, so I was really a fish out of water, flailing and cursing myself for each unsatisfactory dig or touch.
Had myself for company for most part. Hoped to find a few long-suffering souls in the library but to no avail. Dinner with myself at NUH.
I can't believe I've hit a trough on a Monday.
I must thank slum though, for introducing me to a guitar virtuoso/extraordinaire/prodigy/insert synonym for genius. Tommy Emmanuel! He's showy no doubt, but this man has got some uber-fast fingers in The Hunt and Classical Gas! And with slow ballads like Somewhere Over the Rainbow and Imagine, he really just takes your breath away with his seamless, emotive, and most of all, sincere rendition. And to think this was one who didn't even have formal lessons in guitar, playing by ear for most part. Simply perfect. Haha we had a good laugh during the break between lecs abt christian metal. That's like linkin park meets hillsong. In short, WEIRD. =P
And thanks xin. For offering to lighten the burden and just listening to me rant like the old days of yesteryear (actually last year haha, we ain't that old =P). I really thank God for this friendship! Xiang zhi xiang xi yeah. Jiayou for your upcoming interviews and the big As!
Holiday tmr. But we all know what we're going to use it on. Backlog needs clearing. Mahjong at mj's unconfirmed, partly cos of the bad fengshui but mainly cos of my conscience (yes it exists, it didn't get eaten up by a dog...)
Anyone wanna catch The Prestige sometime soon?
Void. Laboured. I'm not worthy.

Look to the past and remember her smile
And maybe tonight I can breathe for awhile

2006-10-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

There's an explanation for this hiatus (no, not the adductor one), and for once it's neither procrastination nor lack of inspiration. This time, BLOGGER has somehow proclaimed my blog SPAM! -indignant stare- And they only managed to unlock it after 3 weeks. Talk abt efficiency man.
It's been trying, this couple of weeks. In particular this week, cos so many things that seem pretty trivial to everyone just get me frazzled.
1. Internet was down since tues, so that means no dota/msn/email/blogging = no life at home.
2. The panic attacks are hitting stronger and harder. CVS lecture left me shell-shocked, formalin-induced nausea from 2 hours of anat prac leaves me light-headed. Add on to that lipid metab, histo... Screwed. Mugging has been nth short of abysmal too, and less seems to be getting into this porous brain of mine.
3. Bro kinda screwed up his exams, and parents got into a quarrel regarding whether or not he should drop lit. And I was scolded for not giving any suggestions. Okay. If I were in his shoes, I obviously would need time to think abt it, and not give an answer offhand right? Being implicated all the time kinda sucks.
4. Most of you would know abt 4...
5. You know how much it hurts, when all you really want to do is to tell someone that matters to you just how perfect he/she is, only to have him/her think so lowly of himself/herself.
It's like deja vu all over again. I swear. Though this time I seem destined to be consumed once again by all the demons I failed to exorcise. 6 weeks. Just 6 weeks to CAs. Must. Focus.
Thanks go out to waijia, lifeng, slum, matt, auds and shiyun for just hearing me out. It's been really frustrating, demoralising and draining, but I thank God for you guys. For your comforting words and prayers. They really kept me going.
I'll be fine. I think. Invisible. An afterthought. I'm content.
Was stunned by M's question. You know what the funny thing is? I don't even know where I stand as of now. Which explains the very unsatisfactory answer.
Shall post abt happier stuff another time. Mood seems hardly appropriate here.

Evanescence - My Immortal
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Miracle weekend!

2006-09-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

I just have to blog about this weekend! Don't think I've experienced anything quite like this, a roller-coaster ride of nostalgia, friendship and God's blessing :)
Saturday started brightly with the meeting with the 3C gang comprising sara au and nic. Forsook astroturf soccer in the morning and bball @ rj in the afternoon due to excessive lactic acid concentration in muscles :P Cramps! Oh well lunch at nooch was pretty amazing, and we reminisced about the good ol' days and caught up with much aplomb. Haven't felt what it's like to just talk plain rubbish and jack friends at every possible juncture (occasionally getting it deflected back at me too oops). Of course a large portion was spent griping, me abt the sheer multitude of mad muggers (pun intended) and au abt his terribly strenuous stint as a signals oct. Bon voyage cambridge-bound gal, cut down on the expletives (and take care) taiwan roc boy and uh... good luck nicholas with picking up the language of lovers :P
Finally made up my mind to go to aud's church at night to catch benchwarmers! Haha i was kinda incandescent and bright, but it was really heartening to see how God has blessed audrey and keith with such a beautiful and strong relationship that's rooted deeply in their love for Him. I've got faith that it won't wane with distance. -cue awwwwwwww from the audience- :) And the movie wasn't half-bad either (except the gross bits when one guy eats suntan lotion and another eats some crushed beetle O_o). Could identify with getting bullied and being the nerd/loser everyone picks on, since I got my fair share of that in primary school. Eventually learnt to stand up for myself though, and everyone loves happy endings =) Actually felt like crying towards the end when the midget forgave gus. I swear I'm a sucker for heartwarming moments... Emo!
And well, I prayed after the movie. Prayed for the Lord to just simply wash away all the past hurt and disappointment, to heal all the wounds that I thought healed but are still festering beneath the skin, forming ugly scars. I prayed for Him to just take away all those feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, and for Him to give me the courage to try again. To love again.
Service at church today was POWERFUL! For one, the song I used for worship, Glorious Redeemer, was sang! As with other really really great songs like I stand in awe of you, Take it all and The time has come =) Got really high during praise, jumping and clapping with so much energy that I was kinda surprised at myself.
But I was touched most by what happened at the end. I went to the front and knelt before the Lord to replace my heart, to let it always be soft and tender to His word, never hardened. And the most magical thing happened. As I knelt there, two guys I didn't know at all came over and prayed for me. And they prayed for exactly what I had prayed for the night before, for the Lord to come and touch my life and take away the pain. In an instant, I knew that God had heard my prayers, and they had been answered.
It's apt that a line from ther's musical suddenly comes to mind: "There is power because people pray" =)
The coming week looks like a short one, and there're lotsa things to look forward to, the most apparent one being the impending one-week break! Badminton showdown with edwin tmr, gym with joyce on tues and thurs, prayer walking med fac with lixin on tues, FT on tues, and miracle weekend come Friday!
Praise God :)

The benefits of exercise

2006-09-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

On advice from a friend the promised photowhoring entry will have to be put on hold, on accounts that 1. too few photos were posted the last time (don't blame me, blame blogger) and 2. photowhoring is called photowhoring cos you post pics to make you look good. Yours truly sadly doesn't quite cut it and misses the 2nd criteria, so more photos of DnD (and yours truly) shall have to wait till tmr, or the next wk, or the next month, depending on whether I choose to become a hermit (ala mug MMS/Snell/Netter's/Guyton/insert sophisticated sounding textbook author here) or churn out more entries for the faithful few that still peruse this blog.
In other news (suddenly I start thinking of that hilarious scene in Bruce Almighty), the past two weeks have been simply crazy! Led two worships in a span of 3 days, and by God's grace both turned out really really well :) It's like I'm no longer worrying about the words to say, and each time I lead I just implore the Lord to speak and minister through me, and He's done just that. Simply phenomenal. slum's worship was great too! First time in a long while that we had a praise song in the morning... really woke everyone up a lot :)
And so many pple have just been really really great so time passed by really quickly as well :) Got by on 5 hours of slp and fretting abt never being able to see the end of T3, but eventually that was completed. Slping during lectures was kinda bad though. Just couldn't muster the willpower to stay awake, and hence my notes got constantly mutilated/decorated :P But somehow the panic attacks are getting lesser and lesser, and slowly I'm slipping into med like it's some skin that I once knew. We all adapt I guess, but we mustn't ever grow cold.
Anyways back to topic. Exercise 3 times a week for good health! Wednesday's bball session was kinda dismal considering my erratic form, but for once managed to catch ther in action! -wonders if she was screaming rather than actually playing- =P But thursday's badminton was considerably better, even if she wasn't there. Survived on only ice cream but still had some good fun smashing and running around the courts. Played alvin and yihern who're both pretty gd. Should be sufficient practice before the final showdown with edwin come monday!
Gym today with joyce! Haven't hit a gym since God knows how long. Her stamina brings me to shame, considering my tyre punctured after 10 min of 7.0 =( But I attribute it to the lactic acid build-up from the previous two days.
Oh well. Abrupt end to this entry. Parental units are such a pain in the ass. More to come tmr hopefully.

Photowhore!

2006-09-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

Headline news! I'm actually half-female (according to joyce, who's been reported to look like a guy from far) =P
Anyways here's a photowhore entry, so enjoy :)

sixireon outing! L-R: hocks me cally peiyi vick yt huiling jj mel ben... We rock!!!

Class gathering at lao ma's place :) L-R: mj es vick angwei and me

College Day 2006 L-R qs mich laura cheryl sara ms hor nic and me :)

My good ol' bunkmates from sispec :) L-R siyong shawnting me kuoren and kaihong... Really miss you guys!!!

Our table theme for DnD: Boxers!

The og guys :) matt terence jai me ihsan yixiu and tatt

3C photo :) me mj lao ma wt vick sara and lydia

Argh blogger's dying on me so I can't upload more pics :( Shall upload more tmr and give a weekly update so stay tuned! :)

Has it been that long?

2006-09-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

To quote nic, this blog has been covered in cobwebs and looks seemingly consigned to dust. Time for some spring cleaning -chokes on dust mote-
Yeah it's been a long time in coming. Medicine's a culture shock that's fast becoming dull monotony, save the feelings of inadequacy (from staying too long in close proximity of Mediquizzer, an automaton whose sole purpose appears to be assimilating heaps upon heaps of knowledge) and panic attacks during anat practs. But things are falling into place, and we adapt.
Is this how being jaded feels?
I thank God for having placed me in VCF, a place where I've managed to draw strength from people and at the same time build them up in their time of need. New friendships have been forged, old ones renewed. It's this bunch of pple that keeps me going every morning, every day.
Led my first worship on Monday. Was initially fretting over saying the wrong things, of sounding uncertain. But God really ministered to me that morning. The messages came through crystal clear, and the songs we sang were really powerful. I picked From the Inside Out cos it's one that spoke deep to me. Hope the rest felt that way too.
Right now a typical week looks like this:
Monday: Short day so normally I either go swimming with terence joyce shiyun matt iantatt or badminton with Goldilocks
Tues: Short day, so it's off to the asphalt for bball! Paullock's one-man show tmr looks set to be a thriller =P Tuesday's game was pretty good. Kinda rediscovered my form, but I think part of it has to do with the fact that everyone else was bushed by the time I got there, so they didn't bother taking rebounds or marking me tightly.
Wednesday: Off to home for some serious mugging
Thursday: Somehow there's always a huge lull between end of sch and VCF, so it's some mugging in the library before going for CG with matt. Dinner with ihsan's always a plus :)
Friday: Anat prac day, and basically you either go through the day with glazed eyes or with immense fervour. Everywhere you go, latin greets you lol.
Of course there's been lotsa ups and downs, but significantly more ups! Like worship every morning. Like driving to the hoop and sinking a hook shot -swish-. Like baking quiche for baorong (which was really good for a second-timer, all thanks to my mentor mel =P). Like having inane convos with joyce and audrey and the terence gang over lunch (Why's that so brown? Cos it's a brownie!) Like going around and pissing pple off with our Hard Gay renditions =P Like visiting law fac and finding xinling mich and aisyah and having a wonderful lunch with bimbo. Like rattling off muscles nerves and whatnot after crashing prof voon's tutorial (shhhh don't tell). Like going to church on Sunday and seeing everyone eager to seek Christ. Like returning to our alma mater with 3C and seeing all our teachers again. Seems like only yesterday that they used to chide me for talking too much in class, or giving me extra remedial lessons for my abysmal physics and chem.
These are what memories are made of =)
Tomorrow's DnD! Spent today bumming around orchard and far east and finally found Spongebob Squarepants boxers. And booked a deluxe room at Orchard Hotel. Sure hope it turns out to be a night to remember, like prom, for more reasons than one haha.
The world's a small place. To think our paths could've crossed months ago during Sispec. Oh well. It's all in God's hands. Thank God I brought my guitar that morning, or I wouldn't even know your name now.

We are the champions!

2006-08-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

Finally dragged my lazy ass to post here. Still recovering from the after-effects of sleep deprivation and a whole deluge of activities. Nonetheless, amidst the bustle of orientation and the upcoming school term, there's always time for God.
Thursday. Spent the day bumming at home (a euphemism for dotaing) until abt 4 or so. Went down to nus to meet matt who was there doing some hep b checkup. cg was scheduled for 5.30 but since waijia was at dance we waited till abt 7 before we eventually found them outside lt 29. Our cg's quite amazing really. There's girl magnet matt, good-natured glenn, enqi who kinda reminds me of peiyi cos she's pretty blur, lixin who's mj's secret pal, wai jia (vice-chairwoman of the Dessert/Pigging out club and makan soulmate =P) and a few M2s and 3s. Took a bus to Munchie Monkeys where I had this sumptuous meatball baked penne that was really palatable. The finishing move was a warm walnut brownie smothered in vanilla ice-cream, but my description doesn't quite do it justice as compared to wj's running commentary (read: gushgushgush) and extensive vocabulary =P Can't tell who enjoyed it more haha. Everyone went back to hall, leaving me to contemplate appealing to KR where vicky and ihsan are both appealing. Plus that's beside bimbo so there'll be late-night suppers galore in future =)
Friday. Under kal's instructions I reported punctually to sch at 2, rushing all the way only to find only ben there O_o And I kena arrowed by glenn to be mummy lol, so iantatt was obviously the next best candidate as carrier =P Spent most of the time either bumming or playing sports. Far as I rmb there was soccer, ultimate frisbee and badminton with goldilocks pple. Eventually trudged off to KE7 at 1am where yus kindly offered us her room to catch a nap.
Rudely awakened by dina who wanted me to move to src at 330. Continued snoozing till 4 until I couldn't take the barrage of phone-calls from kal and dina. Wearily woke the rest of the guys and it was off to src. Getting embalmed is no joke I tell you. Swaddled under layers of bandages/cloth/a ridiculous amount of tape protecting my modesty, I couldn't do much except stand around and let pple walk by and look amused at this spectacle ala yours truly. Couldn't eat, use the toilet or sit down. And it sure was darn hot! Really pitied the repairmen who had to keep patching me up once things came loose (which was kinda often). But the overall effect was good! I'm still cursing myself for forgetting to bring my digicam argh. Oh yes bumped into bimbo! Haha it's been a long time man. cally wai jia yilin lily-anne bimbo jo joy and anyone else who took photos pls send me k! Thanks a million =)
And of course, Medicine won Best Float Presentation! Kudos to all our dancers who really gave their all throughout all the rehearsals!
Only regret was that I couldn't make it for planet shakers cos sheng and png had commitments last-minute. And missed og outing too cos I was still too woozy.
Thank God for Sunday though :) Worship today was amazing! And I got to see the planet shakers! I think it's really commendable how they're reaching out to youths all over the world, glorifying His name. Jumping around in the crowd and singing the Lord's praise, each time I go to church it's an energising experience and a renewal of faith for me. Read my buddy's blog and yes, it seems to the outside world that we're just a really radical church that loves christian rock. But it's far more than that. That deep down inside we're all teenagers who've given our lives to the Lord, that we're all trying our utmost to live a life worthy of Him. It's difficult, and sometimes it's lonely being misunderstood, but as Pastor Khong mentioned last week, this is a ministry that will cost. Knowing that He is with me is enough. No matter what sacrifice it may be, it is worth taking in His name because He died on the cross for us, and by His blood we are saved.
Decided to stay back for cell worship. Jerome spoke of giving our group a new direction and purpose. Could see some cracks already forming but by God's grace, He will enlarge His kingdom within us and unite us as children of Christ. We ended the prayer session in song.
Now that I've been tasked to call and reach out to people, I pray that Lord You will empower me with strength and wisdom, so that more will open their hearts to You.

Some revelations:
1) Some pple still think I'm a mugger toad that's well, irritating and socially inept, to quote kal. That's a side I'm not proud of, admittedly. But well those were secondary school days, in particular sec 1 and 2, and I really feel I've moved on.
2) One should never judge others.
3) I may have been reading the whole situation wrongly. That maybe those words weren't targeted at me. But then again, it doesn't matter anymore since she's beyond my grasp.

Blessed week

2006-08-09T07:50:00.000-07:00

By the grace of God, it's been a really spiritual week, evidence that He is moving and making great things happen!
On Monday, the last piece of gold foil was stuck to the top of the obelisk, signifying an official completion of our float! From afar it looks kinda impressive, a testament to our og's effort. The past few weeks of coming down nearly every day, cutting, pasting, painting, bending wires and eyepower -sheepish grin- and it paid off! Except that the off-white colour doesn't sit too well with me. Oh well.
Went down for the much-awaited floorball session. Was looking forward to showcasing some sublime skills again ala mj during J2 PE lessons. Ended up getting lubbed, and only had one decent shot on target that was parried away. Knocked down joel once though, and being solid as a rock, the impact sent me reeling as well. In particular two players were owning the floor, jonathan and some guy in an orange shirt.
After we found a handball in the medsoc room, it was off to penalty shots! ihsan terence and matthew each aiming for a free drink. It was a close fight between ihsan and terence, the former using power and the latter preferring tricky placement shots. In the end, it was ihsan's shot that came off the post and trickled in. Unstoppable. Still managed to pull off a couple of good saves though, tipping over ihsan's rocket and stretching full length to save matt's fast grounder. Had a little bit of netball action, except terence and I mistook netball for basketball O_o Badminton was getting fun but we had to stop halfway since the rackets weren't ours sigh. All in all, a good workout!
The mail came in on Monday night. Though I totally didn't expect it at all, I got the NUS scholarship. Considering how I was extremely pessimistic and thought the whole thing was a farce, I think God has plans for me. Now I have to work doubly hard to ensure I get a minimum B each semester. And yes, I'm going to treat my OG jack to lunch :) Ain't I nice? Marche/Crystal Jade/Swensen's/insert name of high-end eatery here, take your pick!
Tuesday. The dreaded flag day. Details of our group's escapade to lan shall not be discussed here, though I genuinely feel really bad for not telling gideon beforehand. Dota with the raymond gang was an eye-opener for me, as I got to witness the finer points of team play. Went 4-5 kardel, 9-0 panda and a very sorry 1-13 luna :( We got lubbed big time by those in-house players, who were probably competition material. They came over and asked who our sk was, a clear jibe at ross :P
And then there was Day of His Power, which was really powerful. For me anyway, it was the first time praying at such a large-scale event, seeing the army of God gather in spiritual warfare against Satan. I don't think I've prayed so hard in my whole life, praying for family and friends, our nations, other nations, for the world, as I linked hands with zy cj and a very nice elderly woman to my left. As we lifted our hands and waved our handphones in the air, stars illuminating the darkness, I could tell that the Lord in heaven was smiling :) We sang our hearts out, shouting with one voice. As one church. The church of Lord Jesus Christ. Unity transcended all boundaries and barriers, and we became brothers and sisters in the course of one magical night.
Just this morning I awoke to find a pleasant surprise in my inbox. Thank you buddy, for giving me the greatest gift of prayer. Suddenly, everything's put into perspective again, and I'm beginning to see with some clarity the things and people that really matter. You'll be in my prayers too :)
Caught up with au before the parade, since the poor soul has to book in at 2359 tonight. That sucks. Was intending to go bowling but the waiting list was at least an hour long. The service there was horribly inadequate as well, bordering on impudent rudeness. Bummed around instead, talking about stuff like old times :) Some things don't change, just like his colourful language :P
Dinner of pizza and kfc made for a very sinful indulgence. Happy National Day to all Singaporeans! I'm proud to be one, hope you are too :)
Looking forward to CG with wai jia tmr. Hope matt's going so I have a familiar face haha.

Our Lord is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power and love
Our Lord is an awesome God

These are the days

2006-08-06T07:31:00.000-07:00

This blog is turning into a weekly newsletter of sorts, which only heralds its impending degeneration to monthly (or even worse, sporadic) updates, and perhaps its eventual demise as well, like its predecessor tcube.diaryland.com. However, the author has decided to revive this little scribble-pad, albeit temporarily while his mind is still sane and vaguely sober.
Okay, I never liked Caesar speaking in the third person, so heck with it.
Just came back from council farewell/sleepover. Response was pretty good, with more than half of the 24ths turning up. It's amazing how those days spent mulling over projects in the messy but cozy council room have become a thing of the past, as with heart-thumping evenings of basketball and lively meetings together. I can't help but feel a pang, but it's for the best, with pple flying off to US and UK. We're honoured to have wx and bert amongst us, President's Scholars for 2006! 24ths, one suffer all suffer :P
Still groggy after sleeping at 5am, after tong xiao mahjong with lao ma wooch and khoobert. Dragged myself to church, and I was glad I made it down. Zy and jerome prayed for me, and I thought today's prayer at the end was one of the most intimate that I've had with God. Zy's right, I'm kinda like a newborn still learning the ropes, and I can only grow from strength to strength under the guidance and friendship of the cell and beyond :)
By the grace of God, it's been a good week. Of course there's rag throughout, but a bunch of us took a breather on thursday to go bowl (133 and 110) pool (strangely owned for the first time in my life) and arcade (pathetic at daytona and drummania) =) Good fun! Oh yes thank God for chocolate fondue and oreo cheesecake too! Bbq at laoma's place was great too. Managed to catch up with classmates I haven't seen in awhile, and we spent the better part of it tucking into otahs and microwaved chicken wings and playing games like traffic light O_o Got driven home by sara loh! Haha I'm envious how so many can drive while I'm still languishing in theory lessons...
Next week looks set to be a roller coaster as well. Orientation week throughout. Day of His power on tuesday, going with ther and possibly khoo. Canning and rag night on friday, hospice on sat morning, rag and flag on sat, and planet shakers ultraviolet concert on sat night with the disruptee gang! Fun stuff. Countdown to the start of medical school...

Last night was terrible though. Not a word transpired between us. Suddenly it was as though we were both invisible to each other, and anything I did would have destroyed that vacuum of silence, replacing it with the lurking unease that lies beneath a facade of false bravado. I just skulked away, averting my gaze like a coward, listening as she gushes about some hot guy she's dancing with. I try to remember how simple it used to be. The mutual teasing, the non-stop talking. Her voice, coloured with laughter. It was like we clicked. And I find that no matter how I try, the images are too fuzzy and distant, and I can't recognise them anymore.

WOW

2006-08-01T01:47:00.000-07:00

I accepted Christ on Sunday :)
It was a surreal experience sitting there, head bowed, praying in earnest for God to become the Lord of my life, to occupy the place of supremacy and pre-eminence in everything I do.
As I walked down the aisle to the front, it was with much trepidation and unfounded fear. But this day was different. Rather than hold back, all the strongholds were miraculously broken. I remember Pastor Lawrence saying, "A mustard seed of faith is enough." And with CJ closely behind, I knew that this momentous decision could not be wrong. Buddy was right. It was a long time in coming, but I'm glad that I've managed to embrace Him, and deny him no more.
Was really touched when jerome and CJ placed their hands on my shoulders, praying for me to be strong and steadfast in my walk with Christ =) Thanks so much to zy joel jerome kenneth stanley cj... Our cell rocks! And of course, to my dear buddy denise who first led me to FCBC and showed me the grace of God. I'm in good hands now! :)
It's uphill all the way, with school opening in about a week or so. Mum was vociferously against it when I raised it to her on Sunday, but I pray too that with time, that stronghold can be broken. Have to postpone baptism I guess. Really hope they'll understand, accept and support me in this.
Oh yeah advertisement! Christian band Planet Shakers are coming to FCBC on the 11th and 12th of August! They'll be having their Ultraviolet concert that promises to be a blast :) Currently the pple that have ordered are as follows:
Friday (2): Me & boobs
Saturday (3): The disruptee gang! aka png weisheng & me haha
Pending: ther and slum
All those interested drop me an sms or email cos I still have tickets =) See you there!

Tell the world that Jesus lives
Tell the world that
Tell the world that
Tell the world that He died for them
Tell the world that He lives again

Absence

2006-07-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

Out of sight, out of mind. If only it were that simple.
Some places hold memories for me. Manhatten's, Siloso Beach, or that lone bus-stop outside Buona Vista MRT. Sitting there on that empty seat, and picturing how it was: Rushing desperately to make it before 11, before she knocked off. Didn't matter in the end anyway. It hurt in its full entirety, the pulsing ache that squeezes your chest so tight you can't breathe.
That said, today was a good day. Went down to sentosa after successfully try-selling 2 out of 3 driving lessons. From 10 to 5 it was beach volleyball/ultimate frisbee/basketball/soccer in that order. And as usual there was good-natured dunking, with iantatt and ross being the victims. But it all was marred when the og started pointing in a general direction and made a huge commotion. Tried so hard not to care, to shrug off the unease. I hope she didn't see me. I'm a fool.
Left with lao ma, who was chionging off to rotaract meeting. Got sugar cane before dropping off at her place to wash up. And it was off to nus with weiting. Looks like both of us have been recruited to join senior orchestra. No idea how I'll cope, both with balancing the slew of schoolwork and trying without much success to sight-read pieces.
God has plans for me. I believe it's all for the best, though things are really trying now.
Been trying to keep myself occupied. But it's temporal. I'm a void.

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here

I don't belong here

Familiar cold

2006-07-27T07:38:00.000-07:00

After reading Hocks' blog, I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of deja vu. Bro you ain't the only one that's been bearing the brunt of snide remarks and at the receiving end of such ngiaoing. I've got tonnes of that before, ranging from the concerned ("Why do you suddenly have so many pimples?"), bizarre ("You've got an ugly morning face") to the plain nasty ("Man that hair of yours is fugly"; "You've got no f***ing chance at all with her"). Rather than mope, wish they'd just buzz off or blame it on those dysfunctional genes, I do the next best thing, something I learnt from Spongebob Squarepants :P Look at yourself at the mirror, and laugh it off. It's therapeutic.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words won't hurt me anymore.

Or so I thought. This morning I woke, frigid, cold and disconsolate. Inevitable, I guess, and this is perhaps enough for someone who's been put through three times the confirmation. Still kinda shell-shocked that I couldn't see past the subtle messages though. I made the mistake of wearing my heart on my sleeve, so I bear the full consequences. I know I don't measure up. Can't compare at all. You probably already have someone better in mind, and that's good.

But do you know, nothing compares to you.

Maybe mj has a point. That it's kinda coming full circle, mirroring events that took place in J1. How it looked to be heading somewhere but froze instead, until things began to thaw a little last year. How ironic that it has to be a second Ice Age.

It's high time I retreat behind the curtains, where it's safer in the anonymity of backstage, where actions speak louder than words, far and few between that transpire between us these days. Behind the scenes. Unseen. That'd be better. But it doesn't mean I have stop caring. Because I can't.

Hopefully, when things are better, we can pick up where we left off, talking about anything under the sun and laughing like there's no tomorrow. Kinda like how a pair of worn-out sneakers always feels so familiar. So comfortable.

It doesn't help now either that mum just issued an ultimatum regarding my converting to Christianity. The big issue right now is that I've received the equivalent of baptism before, and by her reasoning, I am bound to Buddhism as though I've signed a legal contract. She said I'd have to face cataclysmic repercussions should I take the leap of faith, severe punishments from the powers that be so that I may absolve myself of some heinous sin. I think it was a mixture of God's empowerment and defiance that emboldened me to say, "I'm willing to face all that."

I lift up my hands
To the great I Am
Who was and who is
And is to come
I lift up my hands
To the great I Am

Who can compare with You

Due to unforeseen circumstances

2006-07-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

Being without the computer for 2 weeks turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Admittedly the initial part was trying, and it kinda felt like being marooned on some desert island with no means of communication/leisure whatsoever. And I've certainly missed Dota :P But it kinda put me through an introspective phase, reflecting on what's been happening, a whirlwind of misplaced emotions that tend to, more often than not, coalesce to a critical point. Finding joy in reading again was great, and so far I've finished My Sister's Keeper and Curing Cancer. Pretty intriguing stuff.
It's Wednesday, and yet another week looks set to pass me by. It's been all good though. Met up with au and talked to chiobu for abit. Been to church, signed up for Alpha course, met up with png, joined joel's cell, saw my buddy in the choir, and Planet Shakers is coming to town!
Cough medicine's kicking in, and I've got a really early hospice attachment to go for tmr morning. Till another day when I'm sober again.

Highlights

2006-07-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

Snippets of Medicamp 2006

-Fright Night that scared me shitless. Big Mama went with me, and was unfazed by my abysmal horror threshold :( Hey you gotta admit those 4 schoolgirls with gory makeup were scary! Especially the part when they came back from behind...

-Getting stripped at one of the station games, got make-up all over me, and did some terrible Bruce Lee rendition (which obviously lost out to the much hotter Val)

-Kok's very own awkward/embarrassed version of pole dancing, as a result of the countless forfeits from games like Big Fish and Pass the Coin. Quote Rou An: "He looks like he's trying to kek sai (read: constipated) :P Hats off for the guts and gusto!

-Kimberley and ross and their cooking mastery. The vegetarian pasta was delectable! As were the chilled sugared tomatoes and kebabs :)

-Goldilocks' very impressive Thai-themed dinner. Complete with Thai waiters, a serenader and even kick-boxing!

-4 of us (kim, ian, ernest and me) making a sojourn to Mac's in the wee hours of morning. The night air was great! But with Snow White making it down in full force, we were dwarfed in comparison. The rest all ended up snoozing back at bungalow zzzzz...

-Who can forget kim and raymond getting down and dirty while melting the ice block?

-Good game of water captain's ball =) Though the station games one was kinda scary cos I kena choked and drowned by a very aggressive yijing who lunged for the ball though I was already walking towards it haha. The informal one saw alot of action at the opposing captain as we crowded the offence. Kudos to kim for tussling and muscling with the guys!

-Was initially arrowed to play Hard Gay for the skit, but thank God it got cancelled. Whew...

-Mass water-bombing was kinda fun! Ross was sabo-ed to be our king, though the outfit looked more Pope than anything else. Found few targets and incredibly missed lao ma and slum (with 2 tries). -holds head in shame-

-Had my secret pal letter read out to the whole cohort wtf. Supposedly it was in the running for "mushiest letter". Hope sha took it in the spirit of fun =P And thankfully I wasn't there or my face would've been burning.

-And she took my breath away, as she always does. I hate how things are, how words are so scarce and hard to come by, and glances are averted as I retreat into my comfort zone. How even though we see each other on msn there's just silence. It's foolish to be even thinking about her, much worse to dream of her again, and the precedents are all against me. Is this barrier imagined? I can't even tell. It's like, when it's just us, that blanket is lifted. But elsewhere, it's frozen and shrouded in uncertainty.

I'm the one who wants to be with you

Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too

Waited on a line of greens and blues

Just to be the next to be with you

Cursed

2006-07-14T06:45:00.000-07:00

I hate this.
It's been three days of limbo. Shelved plans, bed rest, freezing with the air-con at full blast, and still the fever's showing no signs of abating. Thought I had beaten it today after seeing it drop to a mere 36.6, but it started to spike again like stocks, at a high of 38.1.
If it doesn't let up, I'll have to take a blood test tomorrow, to eliminate dengue or SARS as an underlying cause. I'm actually worried that it may be something less innocuous than what it currently suggests.
Weekends beckon, and it sucks more cos I'll have to miss FCBC this week. My first time at joel's cell. Ruined.
Lord, by all Your Grace, please let me recover in time.
Missing medicamp seems like a real possibility now.

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades

At long last

2006-07-13T04:41:00.000-07:00

This entry was a long time in coming. Not that viral fever's any excuse for not updating, but it sure affects coherence. 39.0 degrees, and most of my poor brain cells (it's not that I have many to start with) have been fried, to the point that I'm already getting a little delirious. Thankfully it's come down though.
FCBC on Sunday was a revelation, as it is every week :) Met a couple of new friends again, and without doubt the mustard seed is growing, slowly but surely. There's added motivation to write, now that I've two new readers to this derelict corner of cyberspace, charisse (sp?) and kimberly (so sorry I didn't manage to catch your name!). Worship was great, and the song "From the Inside Out" is really growing on me! So far I've only mastered the intro, no idea how the interlude part is played though. And come this Sunday I'll be leaving my buddy to join jiajin's/joel's cell :( Like I said, I'll be in safe hands! And hopefully I'll brush up on my guitar in my stint there.
The highlight of the night was undoubtedly the highly-anticipated final between catennacio Italy vs. indomitable France. It was, however marred by two episodes, one which involved buffoonery of the highest degree (visit http://adiaryat.blogspot.com for more details) and the other, a moment of madness by the revered Zizou, leaving a blemish to an otherwise perfect career. To France's credit, they dominated the second half, but in the end it was not to be. Kudos to Italia, the local football scene should be able to breathe a little easier now.
Mahjong was kinda sad though, but nowhere near as sad as zc who didn't manage to hu even once (okay, unless you count the two zha hus he got). Hu-ed twice with a 3 and 4 tai, which is pathetic if you consider we played before and after the game. Biggest winner was mj I should think. Home ground advantage argh.
Can't seem to remember what happened on Monday, except that in the aftermath of a stayover, sleep always prevails :P
Tuesday was the first hospice session, and it was eye-opening in many ways. For one, it really allowed us to step out of our comfort zone, braving it despite the putrid smell of urine/faeces/sputum. And it definitely shed light on the plight of nurses, whose job isn't just unglam but physically draining as well. Didn't do much apart from lifting patients, changing them, and just praying.
Left with lily-anne at around 12 plus, and we proceeded to centrepoint cos she needed to settle some stuff at the bank. Forsook fish and co for food court cos the former would've busted a hole in our wallets :P And then it was off to Sim Lim Square to shop for gadgets! It's still beyond me why gals have such stamina when it comes to shopping. And for lily-anne, she's excellent at snagging great bargains and scouring high and low for the most affordable (read: cheapo :P) headphones, speakers and camera batteries. All for < $50! Now that's a feat. Still waiting for the Zen V Plus though my bro is more inclined towards a psp.
And since then I've been wracked by headaches and cold spells. Have got to recover soon or else it's adios, Medicamp.

Decadence at it's most chocolatey

2006-07-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

Before I forget, I need to recommend this to all you chocolate fanatics out there:

This totally trumps all other chocolate milkshakes/blended ice/whatever else that does injustice to this gastronomical gem. Introducing the Godiva Chocolixir! It's thick, it's frothy, and it's 100% sinful indulgence as opposed to imitations that are loaded on ice and whipped cream more than anything else. Chiobu's suggestion was spot-on, as usual =)

Shall blog abt church/stayover at mj's tmr. Need to wake up early for my first hospice session.

What a week!

2006-07-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

Haha title pretty much says it all :P It's been one crazy week... packed, crammed, choc-a-bloc with stuff but nonetheless it's been all good =)
Tuesday: Got my atm card at long last after donkey years. NS pay is essentially untouched, so I finally get a taste of what a shopping spree feels like haha. The other noteworthy thing that happened was mahjong and mj's place. All thanks to a very dubiously-timed rules change, I ended up being the biggest loser. Again. It has to be the feng shui I tell you. Oh well on the bright side managed to hu once, whilst poor kok didn't even get a chance =P Laughed lots, though it wasn't prudent to do so lol. Played till abt 12 plus, then decided to catch abit of Patch Adams. Zc didn't see the funny side of it though. Dialled mac's for a late-night delivery, and we were all geared up for the germany-italy game. Or so it would seem, cos all of us were knocked out apart from OCT kok, who stayed up throughout the match despite having hospice attachment the next day! Salutations =)
Wednesday: Slept the most among the bunch, but nonetheless woke up grumpy and grudgingly reluctant. Breakfast of blueberry cake was kinda sinful. The talk at HCA was kinda similar to the one I had a week ago, so I had to struggle fighting the z monster. Like I always do in the army. Were supposed to move plants and do up the garden but our coordinator left and kinda forgot abt it. So it was back home for some much needed slumber. Groggily spent the rest of the day in bed.
Thursday: Picked up lily-anne from home cos it was raining, and it was off to Assisi Home and Hospice to meet geraldine along with mj regarding the attachment. Managed to secure tuesdays and thursdays 7:30 to 9:30, though I'm still alittle skeptical that it's am cos she made it sound so physically, mentally and emotionally draining. For two hours? Then again I might be wrong. Passed by rj, so decided to go back and visit teachers. Turned out that the only one we could contact was mrs toh, and it was good to catch up with her (as well as yeo chong) and reminisce abt schooling days =) SO3C is a class of high-fliers. Feels surreal looking at where we are now. Hitched a ride on mj's car for a lunch treat, which zc is absolutely gonna kill me for =P Met up with zc and gang to buy med books, which cost a bomb but still are considerably cheaper than if bought at nus co-op. Night was spent with cally and hocks. Caught 4:30, which imo was better than the esoteric but moving Be With Me. The themes of isolation, obsession and identity are exactly what I've gone through myself, at different junctures of life. Popcorn and talking cock after that was good, but the former left a cloying saccharine aftertaste in the mouth :( No more popcorn!
Friday: Essentially bummed around at home the whole day. How terribly interesting.
Saturday: Played soccer with mj and company at rj bball courts. Haven't played in ages, but thankfully I'm not the bumbling, fumbling wreck like that time vs SAJC, so managed to make a few good saves and deny several 1-on-1s. But against the J1s (who were from the soccer team) we got pwned thoroughly. Lunch at breeks with the Sispec kakis was great too! Relived the charlie days with shawn kelvin kaihong siyong zonghua raymond and jiang lei, and played pool after that :) won like the first game in my life against zonghua, but that had to be tyco :P Then met up with chiobu!!! Still jealous that I lost to the Brazilian hunk, but I do concede that he's charming. Fine =) Really really great to have you as a confidant man! Let's chase our dreams and make the world a better place :) Don't lose sight of our goals yeah.
ARGH I hate how such condensed entries end up sounding. Stream of consciousness haha.

Falling in place

2006-07-02T06:21:00.000-07:00

I can't help but be convinced by the events that unfolded in the past two days that God works in amazing ways.
Saturday started with me waking up at 1030, still reeling from Argentina's cruel exit at the hands of the hosts. Realised I would be late, so rushed to Changi Airport via MRT, only to bump into yy, the very person we were sending off, at Tanah Merah, as well as kangwen =P Met up with the rest of council, and turn-out was pretty good! It was back to good times talking with everyone, esp yilin's gushing over some brazilian hunk she'd met at and italy roadside stall (boohoo there goes my shuai-ge status) and kwok who kept flashing that knowing smile, guessing correctly the very first time. I'm impressed =) And yy shall officially be known as Dr. Wu in 7 years' time, since his parents filled up the application form with "Medicine" instead of "Dentistry". Talk about a strange twist of fate. Take care back in Taipei, if you read this!
Left with lao ma to Dover Park Hospice soon after, and promised to walk her there since it's supposedly my territory but I ended up getting lost -sheepish grin- It's been a long time since we last caught up, so naturally there was lots to talk abt. Met xin along the way too =P
With much difficulty, we eventually found the location, meeting Jo Joy and lizhen in the process =) Decided to stay on for the briefing since I had the intention to do an attachment there in the next month. Turned out to be really informative! The first part was a talk on hospice care, clearing doubts and common misconceptions. It's here that issues like life vs. quality of life, compassion vs. competence really play out on a very real stage.
The second part was a live demonstration on how to sponge and care for hospice patients, many of them bedridden and highly dependent. Role-played a helper and patient, dealt with an incredibly tickly guy and got myself manhandled by lizhen/lao ma =P Above all, an eye-opening experience. Got a taste of what my mum was put through in her years of rigorous staff nurse training =P
And that's when I decided to go for the Installation dinner. Had no reason to say no, since 1. Mahjong at mj's was cancelled, and 2. jo joy was given terribly short notice to come up with 5 additional people and I couldn't refuse, since I'd signed up as a newly inducted member of the Rotaract family =) It was one of the happiest decisions I made.
Went home, touched up my prom suit, and I was ready to go :) Met up with lao ma, who appeared in her elegant pink prom gown. Walking around orchard in high heels is no mean feat =P Entered stealthily right after the national anthem was played, and promptly found our places. We were sitting with a renowned dentist, as well as other Rotaracters I'd never seen before (well that's justifiably so since I'm a total newbie). There was claudia suba kelly (cally he's a bishounen!) and another girl whose name escaped me. Had a good time talking about varied topics ranging from chauvinistic snobby ri boy stereotypes to go-karting :) And undoubtedly the highlight of the night were the two violinists that simply enthralled us with feet-tapping, heart-thumping music! From sliding, plucking, to the trademark squeaking, there was no mood they could not emote. Perfectly and seemlessly in-sync.
And when "When you wish upon a star" was playing, lao ma asked me if I was thinking of her. And inexplicably, my answer was no. There was just peace, elation, with every breath I took, coalescing with the notes that resounded in the ballroom.
Found time to meet up with wooch jensen and dexuan for abit, and soon we had to leave. Gave lizhen a lift on my dad's car, and found that she's a really nice person to talk to :) Looking forward to working with you guys in future as Rotaracters yeah.
Sunday. A first step. A leap of faith. Apprehension, excitement, and a yearning to break free of all shackles to find the answers I so desired. Met up with buddy sherry and cat at expo, as well as Sally who was really encouraging of my decision and my future profession. Got to know kimberley and charissa, as well as see cedric who was there too! Our guest-of-honour at 26th invest is also a cell leader there. Simply amazing.
If I were to put the experience into words, I'd be doing an injustice to it. It was just so surreal and vividly moving. The first part was a powerful worship that involved the whole crowd singing and cheering along with the live band, choir and pastors on stage, "kinda like a disco" to quote Sally. And we had the Lord's Supper, kind of like Holy Communion. We prayed in earnest, as we held the elements in our hands, small and humbled. Next up, we listened as the pastor, a really engaging speaker, told of how to live a simple life, which is simply loving God and serving God with all your heart. There was a welcome for all the newcomers to the church, and it was really touching receiving handshakes and well wishes from all those around me whom I didn't even know. One big family of brothers and sisters.
But what really moved me was the last part of the service, when my buddy took me to the front to receive blessings from the pastor. As I raised my hands, eyes closed, hands reaching to the sky I felt a cascade of emotions overwhelm me, washing over me, cleansing my soul. It was just as the pastor said, the Holy Spirit entering our hearts. As we sang, voices in unison, I felt as though I could cry. All the pain, frustration and hurt were released in prayer and song, and the cumbersome load that once weighed me down seemed to have miraculously disappeared. I wasn't ready then, for it is a different thing altogether to know about Him and to know Him. But one day I hope I will be, though still unworthy, a diligent servant of Christ.
After the service, there was only peace and serenity that occupied my heart. In all my years, I have never felt this liberated.
Thank you denise, for showing me the way :)

I love you Lord
And I lift my voice
To worship you
O my soul rejoice

Take joy my King
Let what you hear
Be a sweet sweet sound
To Your ear

How about love

2006-06-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been an emotional shipwreck/roller-coaster ride of sorts. For one, there was an incredulous amount of false hope and rumours circulating about possible disruption dates. That was a recurring source of frustration. It's kinda like, you know you're close to redemption, but always, like Tantalus and his tree that would move agonisingly out of reach, I was always disappointed. Well, both sheng and me anyway. Motivation got lesser and lesser, and it didn't help that I was trying to nurse wounds. And trying to find my faith again in the midst of it all.
And just when I needed some divine intervention, it came in the form of so many people I have to thank. Pillars of support that really mattered when it was crunch time, down in the pits. Nic and au for dispensing advice like good medicine and providing listening ears. Boobs for an excellent time at Coffeebeans. Chiobu for listening to my late-night rants the day before exercise. Sgt Mel for suddenly appearing in my life, and for opening up and allowing me to open up as well, with my fears and vulnerabilities. Hocks for his adage, "Sometimes just f*** it." I'll remember that. Meeting up with 3C again, monkeying around as usual =P Bunkmates were a constant source of entertainment especially lam and seeyw's antics, the former for being plain narcissistic and sadistic, the latter for well, being himself =P Fellow disruptee sheng for providing an outlet to vent. xin for the msgs, buddy for kindly offering to my guide in my first leap of faith :) Grace Kitling and others for putting in their best despite the fact that Grace herself wasn't on top form. Kudos to our 3rd place! And of course, png who called tonight. It's been aeons since I last talked to a guy over the phone for more than 2 hours non-stop (that was au last time haha) It was liberating for me just talking with a good buddy, and hope your fog has lifted somewhat. Well if you read this, I'll be there yeah :) Hang in there, and do what your heart feels is right. Just don't leave any room for regrets and what-ifs. Carpe diem!
Got back my pink IC today. Sure feels good to be a civilian full-time :P Air smells fresher, and there's a bounce in our step that's noticeably lighter haha.
It hasn't been easy coming around. But cold turkey has worked. Now I'm praying it will just reside into the crevice of my heart, and stay that way. No more pain. Detachment. I sure took something away from Tuesdays with Morrie.

Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

Reflections

2006-06-28T06:25:00.000-07:00

Nights out today. Sitting in the taxi, I couldn't help but feel the pangs again as I passed her school, passed her place. Tried to stay nonchalant, but it didn't help that Gold 90 was playing how do I live without you.
Found this really thought-provoking. From Sgt Mel:
"My mum used to tell me this, that when you look into the night sky, find the brightest shining star. Think of her image, think of the memories you had, say her name three times aloud in your head. She'll be able to feel your love and care, even if she's miles away."

Lonely

2006-06-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

It's 1:18 in the morning. Cursed insomnia. And there's so much I want to put into words, a myriad of emotions threatening to burst in an uncontrollable barrage.
Went by Life Bookshop at Compass Point. Remembered a quote from my buddy, "How can I stand here and not be moved?" Seeing God's hallowed name on every book, every CD cover, and with My Redeemer Lives playing in my head, I was strangely caught in a quagmire of serenity and fear. Afraid of what, I can't quite pinpoint.
I wasn't worthy. Wasn't ready. But soon I'll be there.
Got a lift from Kit Ling to Patrick's place. Got my Hohner fixed, and looked at some pretty amazing customizations they made to Suzuki, like a more rounded mouthpiece and a frictionless push-button. Phenomenal. Just hope we don't disappoint for NHC, since we have the advantage of microphones, new hinges for the bass and the flexible Suzuki chord. Right now, it all depends on Grace's condition tomorrow. Poor girl got a relapse of asthma. Congested lungs. It's make or break. No big deal if we have to pull out. What matters is she recovers soon. You're in my prayers.
Met up with an old-time friend and mentor who kindly treated me to lunch at Spaggedies. Though I'd read the portents, saw the warning lights going into overdrive and expected it all along, realisation was still a bitter pill to swallow. I accept that all along, I fell in love with the wrong girl. She's too popular, too attractive, too perfect. Everyone else's girl.
To stop caring for someone close to your heart. The sheer thought of it is just beyond me. It goes against the intrinsic vestiges of human nature. I can't bring myself to do that, though I know I have to sucuumb to the eventuality of letting her fade into the sunset, until the paroxysm of pain dies down to mere pangs.
Class outing after that was perhaps more uplifting. Depression fuels wit, and I couldn't stop going on and on, hoping to bury the despondency beneath a smokescreen of laughter and banter. Went to this place called MindCafe, and basically sat around playing Game of Life and Jenga for most of the time. Exhilrating stuff. Was good catching up too.
Dad's barking at me to shut down. It's yet another sleepless night.

Finally

2006-06-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

This week passed in a blur. Plenty of nonsense and buffoonery, which pretty much characterises a week in SI. Mind-numbing parade rehearsals, lessons that don't register, a lacklustre silver for IPPT trial test among others. And the perfunctory stand-by-beds where a certain Sgt Khoo tends to make things less pleasant.
We mourned the loss of our fellow disruptee png. But it was also this week that we really felt the common identity that bonded us three together in the first place. Particularly memorable was the late-night rendezvous at the staircase. Me png sheng and sin ming. Talking all the way to 1.30 about life and love. It's amazing, especially since we've barely known one another for more than 2 weeks. Our usual late-night feast of tuna and ruffles (a substitute for crackers), baring our hearts and souls, exorcising our inner demons, identifying with each others' experiences, sharing the pain and memories with wistful smiles, the occasional off-colour joke (courtesy of lam =P)... The zombification that followed the next day was totally worth it.
Cheers to our friendship. Come 1st July, we'll be out. :) The disruptee gang shall officially be known as the disrupted gang =P

Pang

2006-06-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

It's strange how this temporary reprieve from the humdrum existence of soldierhood ends up leaving you feeling even more hollow inside.
I had to spoil it all. A freudian slip perhaps, but the damage was done. Irrevocable. What was I thinking?
The dream. A self-fulfilling prophecy. It's ironic, especially how it actually mirrored events in real life.
Wishful thinking.

It's hard to say
It's time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Words are all I have

2006-06-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

First of all, shout-outs to all the pple that remembered :) They're in order btw
Buddy lily-anne chiobu cousin hoon qiu ther shawn grace yiling dex ray nic cally sunyi qs eugene junhao mj qui jun dguo karl au yy shireen =) of course there's sixireon and my fam who got me this insanely indulgent choc fudge cake from emi... Thanks! It really made my day yeah.
8th June. And everything seemed routine. There was the usual 5BX, 2 rounds of running, and the day's lessons and lectures. But it's a godsend having a really funky platoon who starts singing Happy Birthday midway during marching, and the disruptee gang sticking together for some late-night feast. Tucking into hawaiian pizza and chilli tuna with crackers was heaven. Good buddies yeah. Thankfully I was saved from covert ops that never got carried out =P It probably involved camou cream/toothpaste/seeyongwei haha.
There's so many people leaving. Bro's going to perth for music exchange. lao ma yilin and gang are off to laos for service trip. Junhao's going back to China. And you too. Leaving in so many ways.
And they say, love actually is all around.
He was her pillar of strength. Behind the scenes, painfully shy. She couldn't bring herself to like him solely because he was a nice guy. The stakes were too high. And now, she's found happiness with another. One that can bring her security, warmth and comfort.
He said he wouldn't have any designs on her because he knew. Now they're together, hand-in-hand, going strong.
She once thought he was freaky, sneaky. But now, she's having second thoughts. Relenting, she gives him a chance, one that will hopefully blossom into something beautiful.
They were on the verge of breaking up. But he realised what he was missing, barely able to imagine a life without her. He makes amends, changing for her.
They had lunch at some restaurant, and halfway through the meal James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" starts to play. He mouths the lyrics silently. These are the words he's always wanted to tell her.
Finished 5 people you meet in heaven over the course of 3 nights. And somehow, I see alot of Eddie in myself. A waveworn pebble on the beach, indistinguishable among others. Ordinary. Lying in my bed each night, I try to freeze snapshots of the times we spent together, summoning the place and ambience, calling back your infectious laughter and rainbow smile, feeling your being in your every word and movement.
She smiled and he smiled, and she was, to him, as beautiful as ever, and he closed his eyes and said for the first time what he'd been feeling from the moment he saw her again: "I don't want to go on. I want to stay here."

Perfect day

2006-06-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a long day out of home. Fully maximised my weekend lol... Let's see:
Woke up, albeit reluctantly, at 830. Took a lift from dad to Clementi, met Grace and KitLing for prac. NHC's coming up in about a month, and we haven't had the opportunity to size up the competition (read: probably HAS pple, or for those not in the know, the very organisers of the competition themselves). Somehow I keep butchering the Stage 2 and underwater parts for Mario, and the whole piece just sounds really tentative and choppy for now. Espani Cani's getting there, though I still have to work on accuracy and probably improvise some new sounds.
Took a lift from KitLing to NUS, and lunch at Central Square Yusof Ishak House was surprisingly good (Grace's recommendation of chicken chop was spot-on :P) . Went for a workshop by Mr. Yew Hong-jen, the more renowned brother of our coach. Was quite inspired by his life story, especially how he found solace in the harmonica ever since he was 6 years old. Lifelong passion indeed. Met lotsa potential seniors as well, granted I disrupt.
Moved off to orchard to find cally, and it took me at least 20 minutes to find Far East wtf. Army-induced amnesia. And eventually since it was 430 we decided to move to kino, where we met yeatian mel jj bwong and peter.
Dinner at pepper lunch was pretty indulgent. Ordered the salmon chicken combo which included generous additions of sauce and butter. And the chocolate cake baked by mel and yea tian was super sinful! White and dark chocolate, plus layers upon layers of chocolate. Enough to send a chocoholic like me to heaven haha :P Although it could've been better if they didn't mutilate/dismember the chocolate figure that was supposed to be me O.o
Bummed around and decided to play pool eventually. Stayed for at most 3 games before going to check out guitars with cally. The amp sounded quite off lol, and my first attempt at playing an electric was marred with excessive reverb and haunting echoes. Noob la.
The arcade trip was quite sian too. We watched for awhile, tried our hand at the basketball machine, and soon departed. 2 years on, and Sixireon's still going stronger than ever :)
Came back home, and talked to au until about midnight. It's like old times, only this time we're ranting about army life and it's me that's seeking advice. Thanks man.
Bimbo and nic, thanks for listening too when I most needed.

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

2006-06-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

First day of signals. Unbearably slack (lectures on AC/DC/Ohm's Law etc. and i-learning kinda bring back memories of sec sch and JC years). Booked out. No euphoria. I think I've become comfortably numb. Army life seems to suck you into its mindless vortex, draining you of any shred of mental and spiritual resilience. And it doesn't help when you're hopelessly in doubt.
Roadblocks that seemed insurmountable, the silence that cut. And the mirror doesn't lie either. But it takes a moment to change all that. In the time when I'm with you, I forget my flaws and imperfections, and try to keep the tumult of emotions in check.

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

I forget myself, and all too soon I'm plunged into reality again, colder than ever. It's a derelict street out there, with a solitary lamp offering scant illumination and warmth.
It all comes back to me. The things I've tried to hide, the inner demons I tried to exorcise. They're just festering underneath the carpet, and it stings with the sharpness of tears.
But there's a kid within me whose heart still goes warm and fuzzy at Disney classics and Love Actually. I don't ever want him to go away. He's the one that's crazy enough to dash through the airport, get past the customs and evade all the security guards just to tell his little sweetheart how much he loves her.
I wish I had a sliver of his courage.

I see your face in every flower
Your eyes in stars above
It's just the thought of you
The very thought of you

My life is a drama serial

2006-06-01T07:44:00.000-07:00

And she went, "You needn't be so nice to me."
He bit his lip, expecting the worst.
And she broke the news to him. He was a great guy, yes, but unfortunately she'd decided on another. "I'm sorry."
Minutes later, he crumbles, inconsolable, unable to grasp the finality of those words.

You're beautiful, it's true
But it's time to face the truth
I will never be with you.

Classified "Okay"

2006-05-31T09:50:00.000-07:00

Today was somewhat more eventful than the lackadaisical past 2 spent rotting with frivolity and inertia. Got my haircut under the orders from Signal Institute, so now I'm back to sparse carpet grass. Man I look hideous. Was quite a sobering experience sitting in the parlour though, listening to heated conversations on topics ranging from unfilial sons and daughters who give their parents peanuts to baby-sit their children, to marriage and divorce on whim. Kinda interesting I must say, since I've actually witnessed the former happening and the latter a burgeoning phenomenon in recent times, especially among Asians. Love as a socially-binding contract sure is noble, but is it always altruistic? When children and monetary capabilities come into the picture, the answer is sadly no.
Went to catch X3 today with bro at PS, and happened to bump into qui jun in the queue! Who was catching Over the Hedge with who else but clement :P Didn't disturb the privacy of those two lovebirds haha. Anyways the movie was kinda below my expectations, given the fact that it's supposed to conclude a triloge and an insanely successful franchise. Granted it's a new director, and kudos to the special effects team, but characterisation was sorely lacking in depth. And the ending was rubbish. Why have Magneto feebly moving the chess piece? Implying a non-existent Part 4? Wtf.
Still, at least I got to relish the power of the Phoenix Force, who single-handedly obliterated poor Charles Xavier. She's always been my favourite character, back in the Marvel days of Channel 5 and Kids' Central. The uncontrollable, unpredictable entity that knows no bounds, with flames that incinerate those that attempt to cage it.
Somehow, I kinda identify with Rogue a lot more now. About how she decided to go ahead and take the cure, relinquishing her powers so that she can touch without being hurt.
To be able to reach out to others knowing you won't be repulsed.
Knowing you won't be alone.

I'm always nervous on
Days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move cos
I'm still just a stupid worthless boy

Held

2006-05-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

And this is where legends are born.

Was watching this World Cup Feature on Central at night. A really inspiring tale of how France suffered the heartbreaking defeat to Germany on penalties in 1968 (I think), then created history in 1998 with the sensational, mercurial Thierry Henry and the sheer presence of Zinedine Zidane. The Les Bleus totally demolished Brazil, who were without the services of Ronaldo. Exhilarating stuff as the exquisite goals kept pouring in. And the emotions of on-the-field action came flooding back (Denying 1H again and again in Sec 1 and saving a penalty/Sheer shame after letting the ball trickle through the net in the game against SAJC council O.o) I hope signal lets me book out enough to catch the big games :P

Went shopping today, which is kinda out of character for me since I absolutely abhor such burn-a-hole-in-your-pocket marathons. Then again it was out of necessity so I guess it's justified. Was fairly satisfied with my haul (2 shirts, 1 pants and 1 belt). Tried the banana mocha frap and coffeebeans too and indulged in some sinful chocolatey eclair... I can feel the lipids precipitating already argh. Reality check.

It kinda stung today. All those nights on the bus, nudging her awake, walking to her home and back. Just talking about tomorrow. And well. She just plain forgot. It ain't her fault I know. It's just I never figured how fast I would simply become someone you used to know.

I'll have to take a stand soon, and I guess I'll give it one last try. Please don't turn Emma Frost on me again.

And to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

A celebration of life

2006-05-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

Signal was unbelievably slack today. Got there, basically stoned around for most of the time outside admin office awaiting disruption results. Quite a letdown really. Apparently CPC gave a fairly non-committal answer that we'll still be going for course (not as Auxillary Personnel, mind you) as Signal Specs until the date for disruption can be confirmed. Not that I'm complaining, since we still get combat pay :P But this place is a far cry from the days of Whiskey or Charlie hell. I'm in IC2 though, which isn't the slackest vocation since we still have outfield exercises and route marches. On the up side, we do get to order Pizza Hut and KFC delivery (but with moderation of course), 12 hours of sleep are a reality and best of all, WE GET TO HAVE BLOCK LEAVE ALL THE WAY TILL FRIDAY! And, if luck permits, we'll book out on Friday night, which essentially means this week isn't really a week at all.
Was reading about Joan in the papers, and though I didn't know her personally, her story spoke volumes to me. About courage. About wisdom beyond her years. About her strength. She was a true fighter till the very last.
And this is for her:

Adieu (A Prayer for Joan)
Think of me sometimes…
And while you live
let your thoughts be with the living.
—Anon, “When I Am Dead”

He came whilst you were in the
Throes of serene slumber,
Oblivious to the cacophony of beeping
That mirrored your every waning heartbeat and fading breath.
No dark cowl, no sinister scythe,
But clad in white as He welcomed you
With calloused, liberating hands.
Hands which understood your pain—
Every retch,
Every gasp,
Every strand of hair that fell
Like crackling autumn leaves

And winter came.
The organ played,
Evanescent notes emanating from the
Ebony and ivory, lingering
Like a smokescreen of optimism amidst uncried tears.
You did not go gentle into that good night,
But raged as light ebbed from the sky.

The sky that still resonates with your peals of laughter.

Resurrected

2006-05-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

And I'm back here. Writing. The salve and balm that keeps a tormented soul going. Lol now I know what mori meant when she said my previous blog was too emo. Not that I've anything against the likes of Yellowcard or Good Charlotte though.
I've decided to invoke the voice inside of my head again, incarcerated by one thick cranium but nonetheless powerful enough to push me through 28km of hell.
This year has been profoundly different from the last 18. With army, there's more execution of orders but less thinking. Mindless automaton. Which is why my brain's turning to mulch.
The last 5 months have been fraught with uncertainty and sleepless nights, in part due to regimentation and fear with regards to medicine results. Thankfully the latter has settled itself (I have my lucky stars to thank for that) and the former, if what nic wuan's words are to go by, is no longer a worry since signal is a place where "you get to have kfc and pizza hut every day and 12 hours of sleep". Hallelujah!
It's been a year of renewal as well. A renewal of friendships and faith. Shi Hui was right when she said it's difficult to stay connected. A perfunctory "Keep in touch" doesn't suffice. Got the chance to meet up with ex-bunkmates (Kuoren and Jiewei)/CAP-mates (Bimbo and mori)/council/harmoc peeps plus find new crazy buddies in Sispec like the insanely funny Zonghua and Shawn Ting who keeps getting molested by one lascivious sergeant lol. And it's been great just going out, chilling out and reliving the good old days before. Man I sound like I've retired at a ripe old age of 19.
And faith. It's kinda waning now though. With age comes cynicism. No more rose-tinted glasses. Rather, it's like deja vu right now. The handphone lying there placidly, nonchalently, mockingly. But friendship is one prized possession, so I'll take that over anything.
I guess I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. It's so far-fetched I think I must be dreaming.
Feels so right, yet so wrong. I think I'm sounding incoherent.

Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

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2006-05-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

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